‘I’m Sick of Dating People Who Are Bad With Money’

I’m gay and have dated a number of women over the years who weren’t on the same page as me, financially. I’m a working artist, and I am very proud of the life I’ve built for myself. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices to find financial stability in my field, too, so I don’t have a lot of patience for starving-artist types who are looking for someone wealthy to rescue them. (I’m not wealthy, but I do have a relatively steady paycheck from a teaching job, health insurance, and a studio apartment that I bought after my mom died and left me enough money for a down payment — so I’m definitely better off than many people in my industry.) I know that I’ve been lucky in many respects, and I don’t want to seem like I’m not empathetic to those who are struggling for reasons beyond their control. But I am tired of dating people who don’t have a financial plan. I don’t need someone rich, but I do want to find someone stable who takes responsibility for themself — has a good credit score, a handle on their debt, and the ability to go out to dinner a few times a month. How do I suss this out on dates (or ideally, before) without asking uncomfortably personal questions or seeming like a classist asshole?

Look, it’s good to know what you want. Some people even advocate for sharing credit scores on a first date, which always seemed weird and intrusive to me — but if both parties are into it, sure, why not? (Your credit score doesn’t always reveal much about your financial picture, though.) The point is, you’re looking for someone who wants similar things to you, who shares your values around stability and planning. But they might not have the same things that you do, at least not yet. So try to keep an open mind.

I often think of how Ramit Sethi, the author of Money for Couples, defined “trust” when he and I talked about financial compatibility with a partner: He described it as having confidence that your partner will make decisions with your best interests in mind and behave in a way that supports you and your family. “The question is, ‘Did we make similar — not identical, but similar — decisions?’” he said. “‘Are we operating under the same idea of what we want?’” That’s the test that you ultimately want your relationship to pass.

But there’s no way to sniff this out right away. Instead, you’ll need to warm up to these topics, especially since most people don’t feel comfortable talking about money with someone they’ve just met (understandable!). I talked to several therapists who specialize in helping couples deal with money-related issues about the best ways to bring up finances at every point in the dating process.

Keep it fun, but pay attention — you can ask questions that reveal a person’s financial values without putting them on the spot, says Jasmine Ramirez, a licensed financial therapist and co-founder (with her husband) of By Any Means, a money-coaching program. She suggests something like, “If you got an unexpected thousand dollars, how would you spend it?” Or, “What was the first job you ever had?” Their answers will give you information about their priorities and backgrounds, she says. “You can start to get a sense of how they approach money and planning without being like, ‘Tell me what’s in your savings account.’”

The same goes for standard getting-to-know-you stuff. What do they do on weekends and vacations? Where do they live (and with whom), and are they happy with it? What kinds of activities do they suggest for dates, and who pays? “If you’re genuinely curious about the other person’s experience, you can learn a lot,” says Thomas Faupl, a San Francisco–based marriage counselor who often helps couples deal with conflicts around money. “If you notice that they’re constantly avoiding financial topics, that’s useful information too.”

You don’t want to waste time beating around the bush. So when the timing seems right — probably not on the first date, but feel it out — explain that your financial stability is important to you. “You could say something like, ‘Hey, I’ve worked hard to get myself to where I’m at financially. I may not be a millionaire, but I feel really proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish and I want to be with somebody who has similar priorities. Is money something that feels uncomfortable for you to talk about?’” suggests Ramirez.

How the other person responds is crucial. “If they’re cringing and don’t want to talk about it at all, it’s a pretty good sign that their values are mismatched or they might not be at the level of maturity that you would want in a relationship to begin with,” says Ramirez. However, if they’re open — even if they’re not ready to get into specifics — that’s a good sign.

One way to defang the conversation is to volunteer your own dirty laundry first. “If you’re not willing to share it, don’t expect somebody else to,” adds Ramirez. “People are usually more comfortable talking about something once you tell your half of the story.”

Still, be respectful that money can be a tense topic, even for people with nothing to hide. “Especially with so many concerns around the economy right now, I think a lot of people feel on edge about their finances,” says Faupl. “It’s a good thing to be proactive about getting on the same page. But try to be aware that some people feel very vulnerable when they’re talking about it, and allow for the fact that it can be awkward.”

That sucks, but it’s better that you know it now and can move on. “People who wait too long to talk about finances, or just go with the flow and keep their money separate and never talk about shared goals — those are the people who wind up in my office for counseling ten years later,” says Faupl. And if someone is afraid that talking about money will make you judge them, then they’ll probably keep avoiding it. “Especially if they’re embarrassed about their finances, they’re probably not going to volunteer that information,” he adds.

If you’re starting to see red flags, it’s better to bring them up kindly: “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem comfortable talking about X,” or, “This might be a little awkward, but could we talk more about Y?” And if they keep stonewalling, it’s best to cut and run: “I don’t think we’re on the same page in terms of what we want” is always a good reason to stop seeing someone.

Let’s say your financial conversations go decently well, and you’re ready to take things to the next level. When is it appropriate to ask for financial specifics?

“I think a good time to share things like how much money you make, what your credit score is, any debt you have, and other details is when you’re thinking about moving in together or getting engaged, whichever comes first,” says Ramirez. “At that point, your finances can impact each other’s — your credit can be affected if you co-sign on a mortgage or a lease or other shared bills — so it’s important to have transparency.” And if your partner refuses, or confesses to something they’ve been hiding? It might feel like a betrayal, but it’s also a gift — it’s always easier to extricate yourself from a relationship before you’ve signed any paperwork together.

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